Dear You,

The theme song for the hit show “The Good Guys”, written by your favorite band called Locksley, is now available for download here: http://tindeck.com/search?q=slink

SLINK!

(It’s FREE!!! That’s less than a penny!!!!)

If you, like us, are shaking from a lack of Locksley live, we have the cure and will be dispensing it this weekend:

Saturday, August 21st
Southpaw
125 5th Avenue, Brooklyn NY
Doors at 8:30 (we probably play around 11:00 – last of 3 bands, headlining so to speak)
$10, 18+

http://spsounds.com/

Go to: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/event.php?eid=135587673143614 to get a $3 discount!
(You’re getting a steal today)

See you Saturday!

We’re not intentionally neglecting you, Rest-Of-World, so stay tuned, and we’ll have some shows for everybody else very soon.

Be In Love,
LOCKSLEY

Tune in tonight to hear Locksley provide the soundtrack to the bestest most bitingest-hairpullingest show on MTV.

10 p.m. eastern y’all.

http://www.mtv.com/shows/jersey_shore/season_2/series.jhtml

Dear Locksley,

The only true love I’ve ever had is music but I’m not sure how she feels about me. All the time I get the impression that she’s hinting at taking the relationship further but it seems that i can only play so many songs in a set, do you think there’s a way I can make music interested in monogamy?

-Broke n’ Brooklyn

*****

Dear Broke,

It pains me to say but: no. Your best bet is to give her that gruff old soldierly nod of the head, the one that says “I know what interests you, my girl”. And you’ll have her wondering, the minx. But you’re just a servant to her, you see, and she’s torn between a natural revulsion and a desire to have your big hairy paws set about her. Even I, on short aquaintance, could hardly have taken her belly in one hand, her bum in the other, and fondled her flat on her back with passionate murmurs, as one would do in ordinary circumstances. No, she’s royalty, so you have to wait a little. But if you’re passionate and you’ve played your game right, you’ll be going bull-at-the-gates before you know it. Don’t trust her past half though. In fact, don’t close your eyes longer than a blink. I’ll tell you if I had known in those first glorious throes where it would lead me (washed up naked on the shore of the French Seine, face to face with a Yakuza prison torturer and penniless, begging on a dry Nebraskan roadside – but that’s a story for another time) Well, the trousers would have been up and I’d be all over scrambling for my boots and the door. Still, having survived it all, she can even bring a tear to my eye. She was sweet in her own way, I suppose.

Locksley

Dear Locksley,

I live in Brooklyn and, unfortunately, have a girlfriend. My question is this: does the “zip code loophole” apply if I were to open a P.O. Box in another state?

From, Dan Broccoli

****

Dear Broccoli,

You’ve got a few problems here. And the girlfriend isn’t one of them. In fact, it’s a miracle that you have one of those and my guess is we’ll probably be hearing from her soon.

For the great unwashed, the “zip code loophole” suggests that it’s not cheating if it’s in another zip code. Broccoli, here’s your first problem: You live in New York City where there are 176 zip codes. That’s right. 41 in Manhattan, 37 in Brooklyn, 61 in Queens, 25 in the Bronx, and 12 on Staten Island. So, my friend, you’re going to have to be quite the hound dog just to get out of the CITY YOU LIVE IN, much less concern yourself with another state. Now, if you’re not comfortable shitting where you eat, so to speak, I’d probably stop thinking about shitting anywhere but at home. On the other hand, if you truly believe in the “zip code loophole” then I’d say explore your neighborhood. You’ll be in the clear after a few blocks and though it might completely disgust us, 176 seems like a fetching number doesn’t it? So go fetch, hound dog.

Locksley

P.S. Future Mrs. Ex-Broccoli, we think it’s terrible what that slough of a boyfriend is doing to you. So you’re formally invited to our weekly knitting circle. Kai mixes up a mean Long Island Icer and we all take turns telling relationship horror stories. Then we scream curse words as loud as we can while stabbing our knitting needles into a life size voodoo doll of the most recent abuser! Jordan knows some doozies. FUCKASHITCRAZYBALLS!!!

Questions about love? Send your romantic quandaries to dearlocksley@locksley.com.

Dear Locksley,

So me and this guy have had this on and off again flirting thing going on since November. We’ll talk for a few weeks, then he won’t talk to me for months. We’re talking again now and I told him to either ask me out or leave me alone because I’m tired of getting hurt. He didn’t think that was fair, he doesn’t want to be a couple but he “needs me because he can’t talk to other people like he talks to me”. I still don’t wanna get hurt, but don’t have it in me to tell him to go away for good. Help??
****

Dear Flirt,

You can’t tell him? Then let this girl do it for you:

Sincerely,
Locksley

Questions about love? Send your romantic quandaries to dearlocksley@locksley.com.

Dear Locksley, help! I’m attracted to two men, but they’re brothers. I’m usually into experimenting , but I’m not into incest. What’s a girl to do?
****

Dear Incest,

First, the good news: Fraternal polyandry is the most frequently encountered form OF polyandry (that would be more than 1 husband to a wife – and we assume your plans were marriage because if not… well, perish the thought.) AND, there might be GREAT news if you’re from Saskatchewan Canada. Say you are! Because it’s the only jurisdiction in North America to have judicially sanctioned polyandrous unions at a family law court level. Have we solved your problem yet? No? Well, then take a look at this:

That’s right! We found you a nice starter home on Humboult St. in Saskatchewan! Its got 4 bedrooms, a lovely little backyard and it’s only got a $107,000 asking price! For more details, click here.

May the god of some religion we don’t know about bless this little home.

True Bromance.
Locksley

Questions about love? Send your romantic quandaries to dearlocksley@locksley.com.

Dear Locksley,

I have this guy, who is a friend, but I’ve made it clear on several occasions that I like him more than that but it never strained the friendship. Well, over the summer it seems like he only talks to me when he wants something from me…I feel like he faked our entire friendship sometimes… How do I know that we really are friends?
****

Dear Friendly,

Have you seen the movie When Harry Met Sally? Men and women cannot be friends, unless the man or woman is gay and even then, probably the straight one really wants the gay one. BUT if both people are straight and BOTH have had some freak mutation of the hypothalamus (that would be the part of the brain responsible for sexual desire) then you should be fine. We took a straw poll. You know, to see if any Locksley members have friends who are girls. Turns out Sam does, but he also had severe hypothalamic surgery a few years back. Sometimes rockstars choose to do that because they’ve become much too powerful sex gods. Sam was. Anyhow, beside the point. How do you know you’re friends? You’re not. Problem solved. Now you can go enjoy all those unfriendly benefits! Huzzah!

Locksley

Questions about love? Send your romantic quandaries to dearlocksley@locksley.com.

Dear Locksley,
Is making food the way to a man’s heart or his stomach?

Dear Chef,
Both.

Questions about love? send your quandaries to dearlocksley@locksley.com

Dear Locksley, I like a boy. He likes Mcdonalds. A lot. But I only eat organic. Is there any hope for us?! Hopeful in Hoboken

Dear Hopeful,

Sacrificing is a part of any healthy relationship. Each party gives a little to guarantee the success of the whole enterprise. It’s the mortar in a stable union. The foundation of the lasting love. So, you may want to take a look at the Premium Bacon Ranch Salad or the Premium Southwest Salad with Crispy Chicken (only 4.94!) Yum…

Locksley.

Questions about love? send your quandaries to dearlocksley@locksley.com

Hello out there in Locksley Land, this dispatch comes to you from the unreachable depths of the underground Locksley bunker, secretly located in a very secret place. If you are receiving this, you are one of a very few of our most trusted allies in this guerrilla war against apathy and despair. To celebrate our numerous victories and remind you why we fight, Locksley will be playing a free show here:

BROOKLYN BOWL
6:30pm Doors
8pm Show
Wednesday, July 28
61 Wythe Ave.
FREE
www.brooklynbowl.com

See you on Wednesday! If we don’t see you, it’s probably just because it’s dark in there, so don’t get too upset.

Be In Love,
LOCKSLEY